2.11: Sledge In Toyland
First Broadcast: Thursday, December 3, 1987, 8:00 PM
Number of bullets fired by Sledge: 1
TV Guide summary: Hammer searches for the murderer of a toy magnate and his mistress who were done in by lethal toys.
Ph episode rating on the Hammer scale (1 to 6 bullets):
Though Hammer and Doreau seemed like spectators to the crime story, there was quite a bit of interesting wordplay.
In a hotel suite, Felicia fixes herself up in front of a beauty mirror. A horny old man, Milo Tieup, enters to play games with his mistress. He tells her to play the hotel guest that just stepped out of the shower, and he will play the naughty bell boy. While she leaves to undress, a toy tank then enters through the dog door of the main door. The tank maneuvers in front of the old man sitting on the bed to fire a shot.
When the police arrive on the scene, Mayjoy briefs Hammer and Doreau about the tank, which was ironically made by Milo's toy company.
Hammer: You're telling me this guy was shot with a toy tank? How depressing.
Doreau: Death always is, Sledge.
Hammer: No, I'm depressed they didn't have toys like this when I was a kid.
When they question Felicia, Hammer is rude because of her immorality, but Doreau asks him to be more sensitive. She said he was just a multi-millionaire who just paid the rent.
Hammer: (falling after trying to sit on bed) These dang, degenerate satin sheets.
Gilmore: How come you're not the inspector?
Doreau: (shaking her head) I don't know.
As Doreau and Hammer leave, Hammer tapes a big red letter "A" on her chest. [a reference to The Scarlet Letter]
In Trunk's office, Trunk assures Mrs. Tieup that two of his best officers are on the case. Hammer enters and, oblivious to her presence, blurts out the news about Mr. Tieup being killed in his mistress' bedroom. After showing Trunk pictures Mr. Tieup took with his mistress, Hammer presents his theory despite Trunk and Doreau's attempts to stop him.
Hammer: Now, the way I figure it. The reason that the old man kept this floozy on the side was because his wife was a real bow-wow -- I mean, a doggie.
Hammer: You know, sir, the kind of whining, and the nagging kind of mousy type. Anyway, so she finds out about the bimbo, and -- kaboom! -- she blows up the husband.
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Mrs. Tieup: I did not kill my husband.
Hammer: Good for you, lady. (turns to Trunk and whispers) Who is she?
Trunk: Hammer, this is Mrs. Inez Tieup, Milo Tieup's wife.
Though Mrs. Tieup is not surprised by her husband's "indiscretions," she says that many people would want to kill him because he treated everyone poorly. She also notes he had a huge fight with Harold Bell, his chief inventor.
At Tieup Toy Corp. ("If you can find a better toy go to hell"), Hammer and Doreau go to question Bell.
Hammer: This tiny toy tank took Tieup's... (looks to Doreau) What's another "T" word? (looks back at Bell) Tife!
Though Bell said he detested working for him, he said he wouldn't kill him. He also notes he received an offer from Goldfunger Company, but Tieup wouldn't let him out of his contract.
While taking a hotel bubbly bath, Felicia Gilmore is shot by a toy submarine.
At the scene of the crime, Hammer and Doreau decide to revisit Bell.
During the questioning, Mrs. Tieup suddenly comes out of a toy house dressed in a nightgown. After claiming "it's not what you think," she tells Hammer and Doreau that she was congratulating Bell for being named the new chairman.
Doreau: You're not fooling anyone, Mrs. Tieup. You're the board. You made your lover chairman.
Doreau: Bell, Sledge.
Hammer: (suddenly catches on) Your morals stink out loud.
The two lovers then claim to have been together on the night of the murder. Hammer is angry since they are out of suspects, but Doreau believes they should investigate more about Felicia. While Hammer lets them off the hook, he advises: "Do me a favor. Don't breed!"
At the hotel suite, Hammer is disgusted by the immorality, as well as Felicia's lingerie.
Doreau: It's lingerie, Sledge. Didn't your wife ever wear sexy things for you?
Hammer: Well, I must admit -- one time she put on my bulletproof best. Now that turned me on like nobody's business.
Doreau then feels a hung portrait of Felicia with Mr. Tieup. To her surprise, it swivels around to a portrait of Felicia with Claude Goldfunger.
Doreau: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Hammer: I don't know. I'm thinking of invading Afghanistan by myself. What are you thinking?
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Doreau enlightens Hammer by saying that if anyone wanted Tieup dead, it would be Goldfunger, one of his main competitors.
At Goldfunger Toy Corp. ("We don't waste our money on stupid logo's" [sic]), Goldfunger appears to Hammer and Doreau in a giant "G" kid's block.
He shamelessly admits to killing both Tieup and Gilmore. He pulls what looks like a toy gun but turns out to shoot real bullets. Doreau manages to knock the gun away with her purse, but Goldfunger disappears into his block.
Hammer: (talking to his gun) Did you see that? A toy gun that shoots real bullets. You want a pet?
Doreau and Hammer then pursue Goldfunger into the toy factory. The toy tank reappears to fire at them, but Sledge takes care of it. [gunshot 1] After avoiding various toys, Hammer meets Goldfunger, who releases four armed life-size rabbits.
When Goldfunger is about to sneak behind Hammer, Doreau swings on a rope to knock Goldfunger into a box of styrofoam peanuts.
Hammer: You see, Doreau. It's just like they always say. You give them all the toys in the world, and they wind up playing in a cardboard box.
Hammer shows Trunk and Doreau a new toy Harold Bell just sent him: a Sledge Hammer doll. After accidentally being shot by the doll's toy gun, Trunk asks to see it. He then begins strangling, beating, and ripping it.