During "It's a Gal's World," a radio program on KDAFY 128.8 FM (All Talk All The Time), host Dorothy Stone receives a threatening, menacing crank call.
|The station's call letters are a reference to Libya's leader Muammar al Qadhafi. Libya was in conflict with the United States in the 1980's.
Dr. Stone goes to Capt. Trunk for help, but Hammer is, of course, unsympathetic. She pleas that this same crank caller has followed her from New York, and the NYPD were useless, too.
Hammer: Yeah, but this ain't New York. This is my city, and the only person who harasses people here is me.
Trunk orders Hammer to handle this case "by the book." He suggests they listen to tapes of all the crank callers who have recently relocated to the area.
Nice gag: Dr. Stone continues to puff away constantly. By the time the scene is through, Trunk's office is filled with thick smoke.
Stone: Typical, I didn't expect that you police would be able to find this man.
Hammer: Now all we have to do is find the door.
While Hammer plays with handcuffs and accidentally handcuffs himself to a desk drawer handle, none of the recorded crank callers on Doreau's tapes match Dr. Stone's harasser. Doreau suggests Stone takes self-defense classes or get a guard dog.
Hammer: Aw, c'mon, Doreau. She doesn't need a guard dog or classes. Look, Doc. Why don't you get yourself one of these puppies? (Sledge pulls out gun as everyone ducks for cover.) You never have to feed it, and it doesn't scratch the door when it wants to go out.
Stone: You really personify your gun.
Hammer: Thank you.
Stone: Be careful, Inspector. The next thing you know, you'll be talking to it.
Hammer: (sheepishly as Doreau smiles) Yeah, well...
At a bar (with Hammer hilariously dragging along the desk drawer on his left wrist), Doreau and Hammer have a drink as they listen to Stone's radio program.
Doreau: You really want to protect her, don't you, Sledge?
Hammer: Doreau, I'm for anybody who can help you broads get over your problems. That way you can concentrate on what's really important: serving men.
Of course, during the program, the crank reappears. He taunts her for going to the police, calling them "namby-pamby milk suckers," at which point Sledge becomes enraged and pulls out his gun.
Doreau: Sledge, do me a favor. Don't shoot the radio.
Hammer: You're right. (Sledge shoots handcuff [gunshot 1], freeing hand. He then climbs over bar, yanks radio out of wall, and throws it across the bar. The radio explodes on contact.) Happy, Doreau?
Doreau then questions the radio producer, Miss Newman, who can't believe their ratings haven't gone up. Hammer is now sitting beside Dr. Stone on her program twirling his gun.
Stone: Inspector, that gun is making me extremely nervous.
Hammer: It's supposed to. It's not a room deodorizer, you know. Just relax, Doc. You know what they say -- guns don't kill people...
Stone: (interrupting) Yes, I've heard -- people do.
Hammer: No, bullets do.
When the crank calls again, Hammer takes the call and answers back ("Real men harass women face-to-face."). Doreau expresses concern, but Hammer is unworried.
Hammer: This dirty mouth-breather isn't going to bother the Doctor anymore. I scared him away for good. The doctor is in no danger. (Hammer then swings microphone back to doctor, hitting her on the head and knocking her out.)
Back in Capt. Trunk's office, Trunk reads the newspaper headline to Hammer.
Trunk: (laughing) Hammer, this newspaper article, "Cop Vows To Collar Caller" -- I hate it.
Hammer: I do too, sir. Alliteration is so pedestrian.
Trunk clarifies that he hates it because of Hammer's grandstanding over the airwaves. Trunk believes this only aggravates the situation, but Hammer thinks he has scared the crank off. Doreau then enters to report that Dr. Stone has been attacked in her apartment.
At Stone's apartment, Hammer and Doreau learn that Stone did not get a good look at her attacker.
Stone: Thank God you're here!
Stone: You, Inspector.
Hammer: Oh, I so rarely hear that.
Hammer: Well, I don't get it. A guy threatens to kill you, then he gets a chance and all he does is laugh at you. If he'd have been serious, right now, you'd be a stiff.
Hammer: (continuing) Look, you wouldn't be stiff. She'd be stiffening up, though -- takes a little bit of time.
Hammer: (continuing) She'd be a corpse.
Doreau: Dr. Stone, would you come down to the station house and give our sketch artist a description of the man who attacked you?
Hammer: (continuing) Right now, your body would be right about there (pointing), all outlined in white chalk, including the cigarette, probably.
Doreau: I wouldn't mind at all, Detective.
Hammer: (continuing as they leave) Yep, pretty soon, we'd have to call your next of kin. "Hello, she's dead." That's what we have to say -- because you'd be dead, of course. Then there'd be blood, probably, depending on how he killed you, little pieces of flesh and hair.
After Stone gives her description, she goes to call her producer to say she won't be able to do today's show. Meanwhile, the crank calls Sledge saying he will kill her tonight. Despite Hammer's objection, Doreau and Stone stay at his apartment.
Prop gag: Hammer has Better Homes and Missiles magazine on his coffee table. [a reference to the Better Homes and Gardens magazine]
Hammer stays at Stone's apartment to bait the crank caller. ("No tofu, no bean curd -- these single women don't eat right.") An old man sneaks in, but he turns out to be the landlord after Hammer tackles him to the ground.
At Hammer's apartment, Doreau hears a suspicious noise. The trench-coated crank sneaks up from behind her and knocks her out with the telephone.
Stone then comes to the aid of the wounded Doreau.
At a bar, the head-bandaged Doreau sits with Hammer, who is extremely frustrated. The crank is again heard on the bar radio. Hammer hurries to Stone's aid, but Doreau decides to stay, saying she "a familiar voice."
Six-bullet gag: As Hammer drives crazily down a road, he puts a red beacon on the top of the car with his left hand. The beacon then slides off and crashes into the windsheild of a car with a couple kissing and hugging.
By the time Hammer gets to the station, the radio producer, Miss Newman, has been injured. In a dark studio, Hammer gets into a fight with the crank.
Meanwhile, Doreau breaks into Stone's apartment and finds cassette tapes of the crank's threats.
Finally, Hammer knocks out the crank, who turns out to be Dr. Stone.
Hammer: Of course! An accredited psychologist masquerading as a man, making threatening phone calls to herself, and then sending the police on a wild goose chase. I should have known.
Newman: You've had a case like this before?
Hammer: No, I saw it on an episode of Barnaby Jones.